Thursday, 5 January 2017

New beginnings

A year has come and gone. Personally it has been one of the most challenging in my life so far. It has brought me to my knees, had me crying and screaming in agony, and most of all; it has made me realise that I was wrong. Although the year ended, my painful chapter has not. It is anyhow silly to presume that years are chapters. Why is the ending of 31th December any more significant than lets say 11th July? It is not. It is just society (that bloody sosciety) telling you that it is. It is society suggesting that when 31th ends you need to have come up with a better version of yourself. But in the end, no matter how hard you try to keep your resolutions throughout the year, you will most likely glide into old habits. Why? Because you are trying to change who you are. What we like, how we react and what we feel is not something you can change by a tick of a clock. My opinion is that it has to come naturally or it is doomed. Something or someone has to happen in order to change you as a person. When that happens it will be easy. Trust me. Or don't.


I've started to get angry again. Angry that I do not perform like I should, that I don't work like other people. That I can't. I try. But something needs to happen. Something needs to change. Do I really want what I think it is that I want? I think I would be quite sathisfied with a small job and a small life. But then other days I am not. The mind truly is a curious place. I do not understand it. I cannot fathom that I let the scary corners of my mind define and control me. It is not as if I like it, but when some drawers has been opened it is difficult to squeeze what was inside, back down. It floods the floors, creating havoc everywhere. Some of the contents are just feelings too big for the rooms. A dark matter that breaks the windows and takes to the streets if you can call thoughts streets. That's what it feels like sometimes.


I'm not going to spend this year crying over how hard I was beaten by 2016. I am going to use it to get aquainted with myself. I will use it as a lifeboat down the toughest streams of consciousness. And dear reader, do not fear that I will lose the battle, because I have been fighting for what is soon 9 long years and I always manage to submerge long enough to draw in a deep breath. I hope the end of 2017 will be a long, sathisfying breath of clean air. That would be a nice change.

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