Saint

It seems that everyone around me`s got opinions
It seems that everybody wants to see my cry

They seem to think I should be begging for forgivness

But for the life of me I cannot fathom why.

Their words a primer on the walls that I keep building

Their endless fingerpointing, a fresh coat of paint

Oblivious to the dreams and thought that lingers

killing me to remake me a saint

There is nothing growing anymore

the mind is empty, my bones sore

what was once pure and honest

is now malicious and earnest

the hole is never deep enough

the road too muddy, terrain too rough

endless nights in pain
mind too busy, going insane
a void devours all delight
pride and pitty, forever fight
heroes have long been absent
 my demons appearing God sent

Rebirth

Take this broken heart,

not broken from the start

teach me how to live,

with only crums to give

Set my body alight
I’m petrified by the night
Erase my irrational fear
Evict the monsters with care

Look, she is coming alive
Shh, do not scare her inside
Embrace, do not let her go
The wounds heal so painfully slow

although the heart still beats

and the mouth still catches breath

I know not where the soul and body meets

what it means to be living, when I will fall to my death

There is no sparkle left in the eyes

nor are the cheeks painted with glow

what is truth and why are lies

is the flesh an honest friend or a simple foe?

we pave our way with greedy arms

with corrupted hearts we are wed

but when we are ghosts of greed and charms

is life most valuable dead?

love

and suddenly he knew

no explanation needed

she was leaving, they were through

he had not seen where he was leaded. 

her cheeks tearstreaked

her heart bleeding out 

she knew their love had peaked

there was no other route. 

New beginnings

A year has come and gone. Personally it has been one of the most challenging in my life so far. It has brought me to my knees, had me crying and screaming in agony, and most of all; it has made me realise that I was wrong. Although the year ended, my painful chapter has not. It is anyhow silly to presume that years are chapters. Why is the ending of 31th December any more significant than lets say 11th July? It is not. It is just society (that bloody sosciety) telling you that it is. It is society suggesting that when 31th ends you need to have come up with a better version of yourself. But in the end, no matter how hard you try to keep your resolutions throughout the year, you will most likely glide into old habits. Why? Because you are trying to change who you are. What we like, how we react and what we feel is not something you can change by a tick of a clock. My opinion is that it has to come naturally or it is doomed. Something or someone has to happen in order to change you as a person. When that happens it will be easy. Trust me. Or don't.

Anyway...

I've started to get angry again. Angry that I do not perform like I should, that I don't work like other people. That I can't. I try. But something needs to happen. Something needs to change. Do I really want what I think it is that I want? I think I would be quite sathisfied with a small job and a small life. But then other days I am not. The mind truly is a curious place. I do not understand it. I cannot fathom that I let the scary corners of my mind define and control me. It is not as if I like it, but when some drawers has been opened it is difficult to squeeze what was inside, back down. It floods the floors, creating havoc everywhere. Some of the contents are just feelings too big for the rooms. A dark matter that breaks the windows and takes to the streets if you can call thoughts streets. That's what it feels like sometimes.

But...

I'm not going to spend this year crying over how hard I was beaten by 2016. I am going to use it to get aquainted with myself. I will use it as a lifeboat down the toughest streams of consciousness. And dear reader, do not fear that I will lose the battle, because I have been fighting for what is soon 9 long years and I always manage to submerge long enough to draw in a deep breath. I hope the end of 2017 will be a long, sathisfying breath of clean air. That would be a nice change.

Put your heart out on a lim

tell yourself you´re ready - let them in

they come marchin', torches blazing

my dear, what where you chasing?

with their knife they cut you deep

with mouth shut, you silently weep

Here comes the encore

honey, can you take more?

Trampled on the ground

still you make no sound

They tire and discard the knife

my sweet, you lead a tragic life

 

Wicked games

what wicked games we play

do we ever mean the words we say?
Is there any truth in who we claim to be?
Have we lost touch with true reality?

We meet, we greet, we walk away

nothing left to feel, to want, to say

humans so detached 

our dreams so farfetched

we take what we want and leave nothing

we cut strings without a shred of feeling

the world is growing further apart

are we evolving past having a heart?

Dear,

Dear,

It's bleak outside. Dark clouds are surrounding the mountains, the houses, the city I left you for. Memories of you are jumping out from behind every corner I turn, every song I hear. Ghosts are haunting me when I close my eyes. I can't sleep. Whispers of words spoken can be heard in every gust of wind. It's cold. It's empty. I want to tell you about the things I have seen, done and thought, but you are not there to listen. I have started a new journey, but you are not to be found in the passenger seat. I have to travel alone. It is lonely. Your radiance shone on every aspect of my life, now the remaining light is weak. Every part of my day is a reminder of you. Taking a shower, smoking a cigarette, watching tv, going for a walk, listening to music, watching a film. You are ever present. You are still a part. You are still the most incredible person I have ever met. You are still there in everything. I cannot be alone. The hunger for you pulls me under. You cannot be washed away. Not ever. Like the scar on your arm from the time I acidentally scratched you, you persist on being imprinted on my very soul. He would have loved this, he would have laughed, he would have cared, he would have wanted to go, he would never have said that, he would have made it better. Everytime. You are not there when I wake up, not there during the day and not there when I go to bed. You are absent. You are living your life. I wish I could see you live it. I cannot. You are not patience, not kind, not loving, not funny, not anymore. Not to me. I am no longer your plus one. I am only minus you. But I breathe you. I hear your voice in crowds, but you are not there. I talk of you, but not to you. Our life together is becoming a distant memory. To me there are only good ones. Only good fights, good tears, good mistakes, because they were with you. I will always love you. Everything in my life is temporary, changing, fading, but not that. This is the only true truth I know. It is not to be argued with, not to be shaken and not to be changed. It hurts knowing this truth. But it is a good pain. Because I am hurting over you. I would not want to have it any other way. I know that one day you will find her. The one. She who deserves you, makes you happy, completes you. I do not really care if I find anybody. I was already luckier than anybody deserves to be at such a young age. I had you. I will hate her. I will. But only because she will be what I never could be. She will have you. I hate her already although I do not even know if she exists yet. Just do not forget me. I beg you. Please do not only remeber what I lacked but also our travels, our laughs, our love and everything that was only ours. And most importantly - be happy. Please. I am not sure what anybody in this world deserves or does not, but I know that from all of us you are the one who deserves happiness the most. Live, love, laugh. Maybe we meet again. If we are meant to.
I miss you.
Forever.

- Me

Paths are parting

All your life, all the time

questions of self follow you around

who to be and what to think 

will I sail or shall I sink?

Come the day of darkness

the day that feels so hopeless

when you have grown too weak

the demons dancing in your street

who do I let in?
do I choose me or him?
Will it all go up in flames
Shall I like the person that remains?

Cheers

I tried to like you for awhile

'Though you always acted like a child

believing yourself always right

oh dear, what poor self-insight

you said you don't care

Although you secretly fear

to become insignificant

while you're painfully ignorant

 

one day you'll hit the wall

but there won't be someone to call

you might have a phone

but you're all alone

because they don't give a fuck

your heart is a rock

Rape

let yourself believe that the world is not a place for a monster

although its tearing out the light that shone there

treating your flesh like an open buffet

while you wait for it to all fade to grey

they are creeping in the darkness feeling no shame

your vounerable body feels that it's to blame

you cry, you struggle

but for it you're no trouble

 scratching and screaming all in vain

it got what it came for and left you insane

ode to summer

The sun makes everything pretty. Every alley, every house, every smile.
The people in the streets are glowing. I can't help but watch for awhile.
The forest is full of life. Birds join eagerly in conversation.
I rub my bare feet in the sand. It is a beautiful sensation.
The smell of the grass, the strawberries, sunscreen and tan.
Music in the park, bonfire in the night, when we walk hand in hand.
the sunshine paints freckles on our noses, the air is full of vibration.
The cowbells chime in the distance. The whole world is on vacation.

You´re the sun that warms my face
your kindness and love a delightful maze
I’m not scared of getting lost or tired
Because tight to your heart I’m always wired
So send me your kisses so lovely
I’ll save them for rainy days when I’m lonely
Little did I know a love like this to exist
or that my darling could be so painfully missed
Never shall you doubt my affections to be true
My sweet angel, never forget - I love you.

Insomnia

can you hear that - not a sound

they are sleeping - not around

when the world is quiet - my mind set fires

screaming, aching - it never tires

               one eye shut - the other crying

            one more night -  I feel like dying