I'll be seeing you

                     

Autumn, candles, Billie Holiday and mint tea.
Tomorrow I'll be seeing him again.
Loneliness isn't so bad when you know it will end.
And whilst Billie is singing about what they cannot take away from her, 

and the rain paints the sky gray - I eat peanut butter and learn German.
Adieu.

broken curse

For so long I was lost in a nightmare

lived each day in loneliness and despair

forever darkness was all I could see

but then this light came to surround me

protect me with your unbreakable wing

i'm fragile but i'll let you in 

broken glass from the pas is repaired 

the curse is broken - i no longer feel scared

pure white dove

pretty white dove so high soaring

you're flying high though your wings are tearing

your exhausted body can take no more

somehow you forgot what you're still here for

you rest your feet in an olive tree

silently you pray for the world to let you be

for your life you thank while raising your head to the sky

all those years, those decades you've been flying high 

forever you've been pleasing with your carefree songs

but now you're ready to carry on to the place where the past belongs

This poem is dedicated to my lovely grandma who's now in a caring home.
She is now very ill and wishes to pas on. I love you so much grandma. 

You have been such an inspiration to me for all these years. 

I wish that I could be there for you in these tough times. 

You're always in my thoughts. 

waiting for your return

tracing your picture with my crooked finger

there's nothing left but somehow you linger

you disclosed my heart and possessed my soul

this possession i know creates a growing hole

they say you'll learn to forget with time

how can I move on when you're still not mine? 

A photograph - a memory is all that remains

a rush of blood running through my veins

You don't even want to know me no more 

So I ask myself - what am I still waiting for?

Happy New Year

I don't know if there is anybody reading this blog and I feel that I don't really mind that, because I am writing these poems more for myself than for other people. If there however are some people out there then this is just a little look into my mind. As you may have noticed I write mostly poems about sorrow caused by heartache. All I write is written at the time when I am going through something that is related to the poem that I produce. I know my poems aren't great in any way, but I don't edit them. The words fall out of the blue in that moment. Once they are written down I don't fix anything. I just press the publish button. None of the pictures however are taken by me. They come from www.weheartit.com, a site I really love.

It's such a relief for me to have this blog where I can get some of my feelings out even if there may only be two people reading it. It is good to get it out there in stead of keeping it inside. You see, I used to struggle a lot with depressions and other hurtful things, but I got passed it. Sometimes however things build up real bad and I think that if I do not get them out then I am in danger of falling back into the black hole that I used to live in for a while.

But happy new year people! 
I will not say that I will try to update more because I won't. I only update when I need to lift something off my chest.

I love you though you wish I did not

You rip my heart out but can't make it's beat stop

My mind executed and your words the sharpest knifes

Both of us fighting as if for our lives

All the blood I've given was given of free will

Had no idea it was a weapon you would use to kill

As I am aching and you're winning the war

I will cherish all the pain and never regret that it went that far

The beauty of silence

In the moments when there are no words to find

When one is left with silence filling the air

Nothing but butterflies invades your mind

It is such a beautiful thing without compare

The beauty of silence is too little cherished 

Feeling numb from no more than nothingness 

One only wants it back when it has perished

When one gets it back it has turned into loneliness

A shooting star you may be but my eyes won't open - can't bare to see.

Just like the autumn you came with the wind. I let down my defenses and invited you in. 

How was I to know that it would be impossible to let you go.
I need you to stay. Though don't know if you feel the same way.
It does not matter to me. Feels like I've been waiting for eternity.
Waiting for you. The dream to come through.
Here you are. Glowing like a shooting star.
I feel strong. But not for long. Because I know. I have to let you go.
How can I? My heart asks why.
Why won't faith leave me happy for a while? Am I prohibited to love your smile.
Love you. Too.
It seems to be faith's only rule. To make me a fragile-feeling fool.
You'll slip away between my trembling fingers. But the dream I dream of you lingers.

Forever. But you shall be mine - never.

the feeling of failure

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do it will never turn out right?
You may give things a first, a second and a third try but you will never successful.
I have.
It seems that no matter how much I pray, work or try I will never get things right.
I'm being punished every single day. My life has been nothing but a struggle all this years.
I am so tired. I don't know if I can go on like this for any longer.
I am at the point of breaking. Everything's so hopeless. No one understands.
Yes. People may say that they care and that they understand how it feels, but why do you people say that?
It doesn't make it any better. Maybe you say it to be kind, but the truth is.. it hurts even more.
Because I know that you never had to experience all the shit I have had to put up with. You know that too.
everything I have ever worked for has been crushed into pieces. I have always been pushed down to the bottom when I was at the top.  I have always been the type to raise again, and keep moving. I never give up.
But right now.. I'm in too deep shit. I've been working for something a whole year, been given false hope and broken promises, and now. It is over once more. I can't even cry. I feel nothing. 

Or I suppose this is the feeling of the dead. 

you got me so I can't sleep at night

The Kinks singing that I've really got them, the hover cleaning away my sins. School books waiting for me.

Remember this picture?
Well, I just got a phone call from a lady who told me that this picture won me an Iphone 4!
I'm so excited! Laziness payed off in the end. The winners from the competition will be featured on Facebook. I'll keep you posted. 

Goodbye for now

I'm off to the countryside. The beautiful place where I can relax, be myself, read and breath.
I'll be gone the whole week and sadly I won't get an easter egg. I guess I will survive though.
Just thinking about going makes me so happy. I haven't been happy in a really long time.
But I know I deserve to be. All people, good or bad deserve to experience happiness.
The good people because they deserve a reward, and the bad people 'cause they might take wisdom from it.
So I wish you all a really good week, and I'll be back after the weekend.
:-)

People who know me might wonder why I have written things on facebook etc that have indicated that I am having a hard time. I did have a hard time. I still am having a hard time. Ever since August I've been trying to get to England next year, and until Tuesday I thought I was going. Tuesday I was contacted by EF who said that I wasn't getting on the program after all because of some medical stuff from my past. It was really hard hearing that from them. My whole world fell apart. I didn't know what to do. I cried myself to sleep, feeling completely hopeless. I have been wanting this ever since 5. grade, and I wasn't going to give up that easily.

So now I have been in touch with two other organisations that think they might be able to provide me with a spot. I even had an interview with one of them today. I think it went great. At least that was what she said. She said they would be in touch with me again tomorrow. Everything is good so far. The only thing that worries me is who I should turn down. She said I should not let the other organization down before tomorrow, and I am afraid of letting them down because I'm not 100% sure that the first organization really will take me in. But that's just details. I will work my ass of until I get in somewhere. I'm not giving up without a fight.
I was raised to fight for what I wanted. I have never been the person to get things just handed to me. I have always had to be patient, work hard and be disappointed. The only thing I can do is wait, pray and work.

"when life gives you lemon.. squeeze them in the face of your enemies"
That's my motto. You see that world?  You haven't won yet!
And thanks to all you guys who care about me! Love you! You mean the world to me!

And I know where they work. 

starbucks for the win!

Magic Starbucks frappuccino.
Watching Sherlock. Should do math. lol. Not gonna happen.
Got a lovely piece of clothing in the mail. joy!
I'm out. See you 

Top gear

Top Gear was amazing!

I dare say it was at the same level as the Muse concert in London.

They were hilarious, the cars were awesome and the show was so brilliant that they even included the audience in the entertainment. It was huge for me to see them live. It's cool that I've seen top gear on TV for such a long time, and read Richard Hammond's book and now get to you know.. be in the same room as them! o'boy. It's always like that isn't it. When you poor your heart into something. It could be music, movie, and so on. Then if you get to see your passion performed in real life then it just blows your mind!

Hi. Nice to meet you. Who am I? Superman.

Yes. An old picture. I hate it when bloggers do that. Post old pictures that is.
Today has been a bad day and a good day. I failed my math test. seriously.
I cannot bring myself to tell my mom. I'm too young to die.
We've also celebrated my brothers. They are now 10 and 20. 'boy, time flies.
It was good. I always feel a bit awkward at family gatherings, but it turned out okay. Hilarious as always.
Been out running today. Planning to do the same tomorrow. I feel like superman. Wait. I am superman. 

You think you know but it's never so

Spending this Saturday like all the others. Inside. Alone. Studying. Dying

regaining energy

As you may (and probably have) noticed I love to read!
And I cannot explain how happy I am that I finally have got the joy of reading back in my life.
Back in the days I could read for hours, but the past year I have been really lazy on the reading side. I haven't had enough energy. The last year I have read only because I had to because it was homework. Now I finally read because I enjoy it so very much! I cannot tell you how happy I am about this transformation! yeey!
Probably silly to make a whole post about this but at least now you know why there's so many posts about books.

It's one of those days you wanna stab to death and watch bleed.

ph by me. 
This is one of those dreadful days when everything goes wrong. Everything. I just want to force myself to sleep, and wake up to a new day tomorrow. A new and better day that is. As I write there's this seagull trying to fly forward in the sky but fails. There's a storm coming they say. Fucking perfect!