Happy New Year

I don't know if there is anybody reading this blog and I feel that I don't really mind that, because I am writing these poems more for myself than for other people. If there however are some people out there then this is just a little look into my mind. As you may have noticed I write mostly poems about sorrow caused by heartache. All I write is written at the time when I am going through something that is related to the poem that I produce. I know my poems aren't great in any way, but I don't edit them. The words fall out of the blue in that moment. Once they are written down I don't fix anything. I just press the publish button. None of the pictures however are taken by me. They come from www.weheartit.com, a site I really love.

It's such a relief for me to have this blog where I can get some of my feelings out even if there may only be two people reading it. It is good to get it out there in stead of keeping it inside. You see, I used to struggle a lot with depressions and other hurtful things, but I got passed it. Sometimes however things build up real bad and I think that if I do not get them out then I am in danger of falling back into the black hole that I used to live in for a while.

But happy new year people! 
I will not say that I will try to update more because I won't. I only update when I need to lift something off my chest.

04:45

The clock is slowly moving beyond 4 and is getting ready to announce that the clock is nearer to 5 in the morning. I haven't slept 1 minute of tonight. I've been sitting in my rocking chair, thinking, watched satc, written two stories, read blogs I really didn't like and felt sorry for myself. The worst part is that I thought it would be such a cliché if I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. So I tried to, without success.

What is wrong with me?Why can't I sleep? Why do I need sleeping pills to enter the world of dreams? It's like they're my passport or something and I'm not allowed to close my eyes without them. Too bad I forgot them at my mom's. Why does it happen every time I feel the slightest of pressure? Stupid body. I hate it when people say that you are the master of your own body. You aren't. Do they really think that grown men would choose to stare at womens breast if they could try not to? OK, maybe that was a bad example. But if you could control you own body then at least I think that there would be significant lower number of crying women in the world. They would get a grip of themselves and move on.

Well. When I have as much time on my hand as I have now (I'm not gonna start my studies until 06:00 am.) I have a lot of time to think about all the things I wish was happening right now. I wish I got replies from the jobs I've been applying to, I wish it was autumn again, I wish I was closer to getting to England, I wish I knew where in England I was going to, I wish I was more outgoing and I wish I had enough inspiration to write a book and be happy about the finished product. I realized earlier today that my dream is to work together with a photographer and he/she would take pictures, I would write small poems/quotes and we'll make it into a book. A beautiful coffee table book. Enough now. I am busy. I have out-of-window-staring scheduled for 04:45.

Goodbye.  

As I watch the birds fly. I think of you and sigh

Hello. My brother turned 20 today.
I painted my nails green and brown.
I realized yet again that I'm quite lonely.
I found out that I have a lazy eye which only appears on pictures.
I'm going to sell my Canada Goose. Simply because I hate that darn thing!
It hit me that I've actually grown tired of Pride & prejudice (at least for now)
It startled me that I actually don't like to watch TV or movies anymore.
I'm looking forward to the spring when I can sit outside and write while listening to birdsong.
I adore my spring shoes so much !
The clock is turning 21:00 at any moment.
I am tired. I want to take a shower.
Then I want to cuddle up in bed. 

Read for an hour or two and sleep (if God would let me)

Life

(edited and text by myself)

Life is risky. Full of choices that can ruin you if you pick a wrong turn. It doesn't wait for anyone. One has got to put oneself out there not knowing what it all will come to. 

Life is tough. You get rejected. Roaming around in the cold, alone, you feel helpless. Your belief in life, God, yourself might be wounded. Sometimes you don't know what's left to live for. You don't know how to stand up again after being struck down by reality. 

Life is hurtful. You meet people you trust, whom you wanna share everything with, you dreams, pursues and hopes with. You want them to be your whole world. Only thing you ask for is to be the same for them. They promise, they lie, you bleed. Life isn't merciful. It doesn't help you back on your feet again. You're alone. 

I'm afraid. Everyday I think about the possibility of ending up alone, in a job that's not getting me anywhere, and with the feeling that I really have nothing left to life for. Feeling helpless, not pursuing any of my dreams. Stuck. Alone. Afraid. Life is a battle. It's not guaranteed that you're gonna win. It's filled with disappointment. You only get one shot at it. Fail and your out. It's frightening. No security what so ever. 

But I guess there's a light in the tunnel somewhere. It's just hard to see it sometimes when your surrounded with fog and shadows.

We live in a world fixed on materialism, appearance and of course beauty. We watch movies were the leading role who is supposed to represent the "local girl" or the "ordinary boy" who in the end gets everything,  is a superstar who has got plenty of plastic surgeries and probably tons of skin treatments etc. It's not odd that we feel subconscious about our appearance. People in the media tels us to lose weight, use make-up, wear the right clothes, eat the right products and basically be perfect. But we aren't. We are humans. We are designed to screw up and move on. We are not some machines and as proven by previous dictatorships: We cannot be forced to live a certain way. Still, they get to us. Still we look at ourself in the mirror pointing out every single mistake. Thinking: I am too fat or I am too skinny. My nose is ugly or I hate the shape of my face. There is hundreds of things to pick on and we point them out at etch other without thinking as well. Our community and way of living is becoming so shallow. We try too hard to focus on the outer things and completely forget the inner, important things. We start being judgmental and if a person is not up to the standard on the outside then suddenly that person isn't worth talking to anymore. I'm not saying that everyone think and act like that, but sadly more and more people start being like that. What is happening to us? The Bible says that God loves us no matter how we look and that he loves us just the way we are. Why isn't that good enough for religious people? Isn't it ungrateful to criticize God's creation? Of course we should take care of ourselves and maintain our looks but it has gone way too far. People end up suicidal and develop diseases like bulimia and anorexia. All because of the society and sometimes because of bullying. I wonder when we are going to understand. I wonder when someone in the cosmetic industry will put their foot down and say that they have to change their way of selling products and change their commercial campaigns. Yes, we could sit around and wait for them to take the first step, but why don't just go ahead and do it ourselves? Why don't we just realize that nobody can tell us how to be or not to be. Nobody can tell us that be are ugly or not good enough. Nobody can say that being overweight is not pretty. It is after all the person inside that matters. If you don't believe in what I have just written then I'm sorry to tell you that you have been bitten by the shallow bacteria because all I say is true. And you know it! I myself strive to stand up to the standards. It doesn't help that only one or two people decide that enough is enough and that they won't let nobody tell them who they are. It's up to our society together. We must together take the first step which I believe a lot of people are trying to take over the world. We must take the first step and make people put the human soul in focus. That we must realize that we are not robots that can be programmed into function a certain way. We are humans and we were created differently and we should embrace it instead of trying to hide it.

dott

it's in these troubled times that the enemies fights side by side, and the good shepherd return to collect more of the lost sheep.  

What I mean is that it's hard times. The time before Christmas is always the worst. The teachers keep pushing on you the things they realized they had to push on you sooner or later, and you run around trying to juggle schoolwork with the crazy times before the holidays. Presents to be bought, wish lists to be made, house to be cleaned, and so on. Is it hard to comprehend why we are so anxious to get Christmas break? We all need peace and quiet. We need silence, and I for my sake need to be alone. Christmas gives you what you need. Whether it's to read a book you been longing to read or hang out with friends you haven't seen for a long time. It gives you an excuse for being inside, watching Christmas movies and eating candy. It gives you an excuse to relax.

If I I'm absent these days, then it's because I'm busy busy busy, but I'll be back on track soon.

I promise.

(oh, don't you hate promises? It's sort of saying that you will eventually break what ever promise you made in the end)

I

privat picture

I hate when people judge me for following my heart. I love giving people presents that they love. 

I adore people that manage to stand on their feet through all the hardships in life. I wish I could feel even if it would only be pain. I regret that I did not study more for the test we had today. I hope I will sleep the whole night through for a change tonight.

Sunday, oh well.

Sunday, soon it will be Monday. Got two new followers on Twitter. My room is cold and dark. I lit some candles. I blew them out.  I ate my favourite dish. tided my room. Roamed around on Lookbook. I envy them. Drinking too much tea. Have to go to the bathroom constantly. Writing wish list for Christmas. I don't wish for much really. My hands are cold, but I'm not Mr. Darcy. No Romeo outside my window today. Maybe tomorrow. I am bored. I need something to do. Think I'm going to learn Almost Lover on piano. I can't really play the piano. oh well. 

(edited by me)
This movie is truly a movie made from dreams. Everything just makes you marvel and think "wow. let this happen to me God."
At least that's what I thought during the whole movie. It's not fair you know. The lives of the people on screen. Even when they are in grave danger, or broken down in tears they sort of got the promise that they'll get a happy ending. This is yet another one of those movies. This movie inspired me. Sofie loved to write, and I love to write. I love to travel and most of all to historical places. If I could chose between a farm in the middle of nowhere in Ireland and a luxurious holiday in Caribbean.. It would not have been the last one. Life is so much more than just partying and getting rich. It's about filling whatever space you have in your heart for something. You need to reach out and grab it. You need the courage to do so. I wish I had. I'm not there yet. I hope I will be one day. At least I'm on my way. My dream has been to spend a year living in England. Next year I'm living the dream. But it's just one of many dreams I've got. So far I've filled 3 spaces in my heart. I hope I get to fill them all.
Do you have spaces to fill in your heart?

All your dreams can vanish in the flash of a light

I am really sorry, but this is yet another "emo" post about my "horrible" life, though this time I'll tell you in a different way.

She was twelve years old, the girl who sat alone in her bedroom. She looked out the window and saw an airplane flying by. She sighed, longing to get away herself. Being taken by an airplane far away from all the nightmares. The nightmares that had ruined her whole childhood. You see, the world hadn't been good to her. It mocked her, chased her, chained her. It wasn't her home, but a prison. A tear fell on her cheek and another one on her nose. She didn't bother to wipe them away. Why was she being punished? What had she done? Nothing in particular. She had always been a good kid, and still she had been the victim. the victim indeed. 

Suddenly she could hear her mother's steps in the hallway. 

She got afraid that she would see her tears and desperately searched for something to cover up her face with. She saw a magazine laying on her desk, and grabbed it quickly. When she opened it her whole life changed in a blink of an eye. Suddenly all the agony was endurable. Suddenly she had hope. Her dreams were printed on a colorful page. Her dreams of going far away. Her dreams of England was laying right in front of her. The country she loved so deeply. It was within reach. She could get the chance to spend a whole year there. Go to school there. The things she had always dreams of doing was gathered in one single, colored page. She read it over and over again, then she wiped her tears and smiled. And for the first time in months it was a real.

Ok. Maybe that's not completely how it happened, but it was very very similar to this incident I just described. However, today I got the message that I was unable to go because of what I'm studying now in my first year at high school. 

My dreams were so close, and then in one tiny moment, they all shattered, and now there's nothing left.

But I'm not giving up. If I have to change school, than so be it. 

My only concern is that my parents are a bit.. hard to rock. 

Well, I have to wipe my tears and cross my fingers, and we'll see what happens. 

A booklover never goes to bed alone

I love reading - or at least I used to. There is nothing better then diving into another world and absorb problems and incidents that has nothing to do with you at all. To get aquainted with a whole new world, a bunch of new people and learn to get to know them through the story. I espesially enjoy reading books from the 17 and 18 houndreds because life was so different back then, and I for my part think that many lived a very glamorous lives. Though they were constantly worrying about what everybody thought of them.

Frankly, sometimes I wish I lived in a book because then I could always rely on the fact that there was going to be a happy ending. (at least the kind of books I read) *sigh*

I can't but envy Elizabeth Benneth in particular who in the end gets the awesome, rough and sexy Mr. Darcy.

Lucky bastard.

Like reading much?

why can't we start it over again

"Let's start over again. Just let us start it over again. Why can't we start it over again.

And we'll be good. This time we'll get it right. Last chace to forgive ourselfs"

This song is my favorite at the moment. It reminds me of all the things that used to make me happy, before I entered this.. feelingless state. It reminds me of meadows, pride and prejudice, sunlight shining through the trees, wind blowing in the air and the contryside. I hope that some time pretty soon I'll figure out how to feel again so I can be as happy as I once was when I thought of all these things.

One is silver, the other gold

A birthday gift from my best friend, Ragnhild !

Lately I've been thinking too many negative thoughts, and we all know that that's not healthy, but then today when I woke up I thought to myself: I'm extreamly lucky! I've got bestfriends who I know will always be there for me. There are som many people at my age that take it for granted. There are also so many people that think it's more important to have a huge number of friends, than to take care of the really good friendships. I mean; A person who's got a big number of friends, but have no real close friend has nothing compared to a person who's got maybe one or two bestfriends but know very few other people.
I experianced to discover that I clearly wasn't the most important person when I was in a group of friends, and that if I was at present or not was not really that big a deal. I felt really alone, though I was in a crowd.

But then I found a pair of really good best friends who I can totally be myself around. Who laugh at the same silly things that I do. Who are interested in what I have to say, and who want my opinion or my advise on things. Have you any idea how prescious that is? It is! My friends are greate, and even though they are few, and I don't see them as often as I really really do wish, we have this incredible bond. And even though we might draw some lines, we respect etch others lines. It is important to not forgetting to remember how lucky you are, and even though you don't know how to appreciate it, just think about it.

"Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold."

I'm losing you, trust me on this one

Everyone is running. Running in different directions. I'm not fast enough to follow. I don't know who's path that is the right on. Everyone's getting somewhere. They're making friends, enemies, lovers, relations, but they are no relations of mine. Everybody grow stronger, but I remain the same, fragile creature. They keep running, but I can't keep up. I try to stay on the path but it's parting in too many directions. where do I go? The fog is all around. I can see no more. Everybody's gone, or so it seems. They all have new lives now, only I am still the same. Not developing in any directions, just sitting behind the same screen, in the same room, while staring out the same window, wondering when I'll break free.
When I'll break free from my misary

Sorry, I know this is now officially an emo blog, but bear with me, and I promise I'll get back on track again.

Loving you 'till I hate you

Have you ever loved a band/singer/writer/artist so much that it actually is a pain to watch/read/listen to them? I actually have. Muse. You rip my heart out everytime I hear your magnificent music. Why on earth do I feel like that? People who don't feel like that usualy just say: dude, relax. It's just a band, and it's not like you're ever to meet them. How on earth is that supposed to help? Everytime i watch a live preformance of them is like a bullet in my face. Who don't you just stop watching them, Miriam? Because I am addicted as hell. I can't go a day without Matthew's voice in my ear. Knowing that I love them so much whitout them knowing that I even breath is a bit freaky, and in the same time really sad. No wonder why people loses their minds on concerts and starts to stalk their idols. We don't know when to stop. I don't know if I dear go to the Muse concert later in thes summer. I am too afraid that I will do something stupid like shouting to the people around me "THEY'RE MINE!" or juping on to the stage ripping Matthew's shirt off.
I am officially crazy. o.o

Where did I go?

Lately I've been feeling like I'm loosing my identity. People who know me, and my friends might say that they have not noticed any changes, but that is probably because even if I share my feelings with others it's not always what I really feel. What I really feel is nothing. I do not feel happy nor sad, not exited nor nervous, not busy nor bored. nothing. I do not enjoy any of the things I used to love. The sunsets, the long walks, writing, singing, poetry, reading, music. nothing. I used to think alot, I used to dream. Sometimes it was bad thoughts and bad dreams, but at least it was something. Now I only stare out in nowhere, unable to focus on anything. It is like being dead and alive at the same time. It is strange not feeling. Though sometimes I get vaige feelings of sadness and depression, and sometimes I smile. But now it is more out of habit than a true feeling. I do not know what to do anymore, and it is probably silly sharing it on my blog, but it is the only way I can try to make sense out of this, because it really does not make sense. I want my old passions back. I want to want again. I want myself back.

To die or not to die - that is my question

One thing I've been wondering about is: who is the luckiest? The people who die young, or the people who live almost a houndred years? I see life as a big test where you have to get through different stages in life to get to heaven. But the people who die young, do they have a bonus card or something? People always say: poor guy, only 20 years old. but it's not him they're really sorry for, it's the family and friends. So it's really them who is being punished. It's the people who remain who is the unlucky ones. And the longer you live the more pain, sorrow and other shitt you have to take. Yes, it might be good memories and stuff like that too, but I know I would rather go to heaven early then stay on earth for decades experiancing all of that.
But I really don't know. God invented us dumber than him so he could get to tell us the true meaning of life himself when we get to the gate of heaven, so I guess we just have to waint until we arrive there.

Where one chapter ends, another one begins

Photo - Camilla J Walker
Last day at Danielsen today. It was a really great ending after 2 years (Since I went my second year somewhere else) together. We watched pictures from 8. grade and the teatchers talked about how they had experianced these years together with us. It was all very beautiful. Then in the end we all gathered outside to hugh etch and everyone and wish everybody a great summer and good luck in life. Come to think about it I think it is very very sad. I do not really want to quit at all. And when I thought about the fact that I would never arrive late for class again, never stumlbe up the stairs catching my breath, never make small comments in the class, never eat lunch with my best friends and so on. It made me really sad.

But I guess where one chapter ends - another one begins, and though I do not want to end this one I have to move on to the next page of my life and continue writing on my history. It might be scary but nobody said life would be piece of cake. So if anyone from my old class read this I just wanted to tell you: I know I haven't really been the most outgoing person, and you probably thought I was a retard and even though I might have thought about you in the same way somethimes: I am really greatful that you gave me the oppurtunity to be myself. To feel welcome, and to feel that I was no less then the rest of you.
Thank you so much.