Thursday, 11 April 2013
Who am I?
There comes a time in life when you suddenly stop and wonder "who am I?"
A time when you do not recognize yourself and the person you have become. You realize that you have been so busy that you have forgotten to consider all your dreams and expectations as well as your true identity. I am there now. I do not recognize myself anymore. I used to be so different. One changes as one goes along this path called life, but I fear I have reached a point when everything I used to love and be is somehow a stranger to me. I used to play the guitar and now I cannot for the life of me remember any chords. I loved to read, but now all I read is school books. There was a time when I constantly had pretty poems in my head just waiting to get down on paper and I wrote stories all the time. My thoughts weren't just my thoughts, but my hideout when I wasn't happy with the rest of the world. I marveled at the small things in life and tried to capture them on camera.
What am I now? I wake up, go to school and when I come home I am too tired to be creative or to use my head for anything productive. My head is full of worries and I don't have time to think for the pleasure of it. I only have time to think about subjects in school and how far behind I am. Sometimes I stare into a void of nothingness - completely empty. I can do it for hours. When I'm conversing I have the hardest time standing my ground because I don't know what my ground is anymore.
The exams are closing in as well and I have never felt more unprepared. I wish I could just jump past it and enjoy the summer. For me the most important thing is to know who you are and to learn how to love yourself. It's the foundation for everything else in life. I do not love myself at the moment. That would be like loving a stranger, for that is what I am to myself at the moment - a stranger.
Not that I'm not happy at the moment - I am. I just feel empty and I just wish I could find a way to get acquainted with myself again. I want to find a way to stop worrying, procrastinating and exhausting myself, and in stead love, enjoy and feel free.